


Form follows Function

by WingsandRings



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 14:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9128119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsandRings/pseuds/WingsandRings
Summary: When Spock doesn't know what to do, he goes back to the basics.





	

Spock has always been better at controlling his emotions than his father has given him credit for. It was one of the major causes of friction when he was younger – Sarek would accuse him of an emotional response when he knew there had been no such thing. As he got older, he surmised that his facial features looked just enough like his mother’s that Sarek would mistake “a facial expression that reminded him of Amanda” for “a facial expression that signaled being an EMOTIONAL HUMAN.” But nevertheless, Spock had always been (emotionlessly) proud of his success.

In the past year, he has felt that control slowly sanded away by his superior officer. He had easily brushed aside McCoy’s abrasive jabs and even Lieutenant Stiles’ overt racism – all situations which his father (and the entirety of the human crew) would have guessed would push him over. But he had become used to hostile motives from his peers and cognizant enough of McCoy’s personality to sense the respect beneath the sarcasm. But Kirk was different – his openness, the way he smiled with genuine admiration at Spock, his gentle teasing, his persistent requests to spend time together – this Spock didn’t know how to respond to. It was not in his repertoire. He could feel his walls becoming torn down; he could feel an unfamiliar yearning to respond in kind. It was…unsettling. It was…beginning to overwhelm him. It was invading his dreams, his waking thoughts, even affecting his work. On the bridge yesterday, he locked eyes with Kirk as Kirk asked him a question - and responded .875 seconds slower than was his custom. He was confident Kirk noticed. He was confident the entire bridge noticed.

Well. Spock knew that when emotions began to cloud his logic, the first step was to go back to the basics. All behaviors have functions, including internal behaviors such as cognitions and emotions. He simply needed to identify the function of his recent behaviors, at which point he could determine a more appropriate way to fulfill that purpose. Simple, really, if Spock could only slow his mind down long enough to do so.

First, Spock knew, there were five functions of behavior:  
1) Attention from other sentient beings  
2) Access to tangibles (eg food, entertainment)  
3) Escape from unpleasant/painful physical or psychological sensations  
4) Avoidance of possible future unpleasant/painful physical or psychological sensations  
5) Self-Stimulation (eg tapping one’s foot or drumming one’s nails on the console, as Lt. Uhura was doing at this very moment)

Second, Spock needed to identify his behaviors. There were external behaviors as well as internal behaviors. It behooved Spock to examine both.  
1) An increase in social interactions with the crew, specifically Captain Kirk.  
Spock felt this was fairly clearly related to the function of “attention” although it perplexed him – Spock had never noticed that function of his behavior with anyone else except perhaps his parents. Curious.

2) An increase in time spent meditating  
This appeared to serve the dual function of escape from unpleasant emotions and thoughts as well as avoidance of future unpleasant emotions and thoughts. Spock had recently noticed an almost desperation to meditate at the end of each alpha shift, even before joining Kirk in their nightly chess games. But what was he escaping? Spock recognized a particular tightness in his chest cavity just prior to meditation – a physical proxy for some emotion he could not name. And with that came racing thoughts, usually involving the Captain. Sometimes concern over decisions he’d made, or reviewing a conversation, but more and more Spock realized he had simply mulled over short moments of time during routine days on the bridge – a smile after a comment, a hand on the shoulder, a humble shrug of the shoulders after being caught out. Spock felt the tightness in his chest again just thinking about it. He resisted the urge to avoid the sensation this time; it would be of better use to examine it. Onward.

3) An increase in verbal interactions with the crew involving “humor.”  
Spock noted with chagrin that this also seemed to have the function of attention seeking – particularly from Kirk and McCoy. McCoy was always temporarily stunned into silence whenever Spock made a comment that might be categorized as a joke (which may mean this also functioned as escape/avoidance as it gave Spock a reprieve from McCoy’s never-ending monologue.) But for Kirk…it could be nothing but attention. When Kirk’s eyes lit up and his lips parted in a surprised smile…Spock could think of nothing more reinforcing. Odd how such a tiny gesture had come to have such a profound impact on him.

Spock had known that it was Kirk’s presence driving these behaviors. But what he had not realized until now was that he had no idea of how to fulfill these functions in any way other than…Kirk. It would not fulfill the same function to play chess with Uhura or "joke" with Sulu. He respected and appreciated their skills as fellow officers, but the thought of replacing his time with Kirk to another crew member left him feeling as though a gaping wound had been opened on the lower right side of his ribs – precisely where his heart lay.

These insights were becoming more concerning by the minute. As he had noted previously, he had never felt the desire to receive attention from anyone before…other than his parents. Whom he felt no shame in admitting he experienced love for, as is appropriate for Vulcan children to experience. So what could this mean about Kirk? He was not one for falling in the trap that correlation equaled causation, but he was quickly coming to the realization (Occam’s Razor, if you will) that this meant one thing and one thing only – he was in love with Captain Kirk.

Spock once again felt a tightness in his chest – a different type this time. One that seemed to be accompanied by nausea and an involuntary closing of the throat. Spock was betrothed to be married to T’Pring and Kirk…well he had never seen any indication that Kirk thought of him any differently than McCoy or Scotty or any other fellow crew members who he became close to. 

So Spock did what he always did. What he was good at and what his father never believed he could do. He methodically, logically, worked to control these emotions. He began to rebuild the wall. Kirk could never know. T’Pring could never know.

 

(Spoiler alert! T’Pring totally knew.)

**Author's Note:**

> Kirk/Spock was my very first fandom and fandom pairing, more than half my life ago, before I was even a teenager. But I'd always felt nervous about writing my own fic - how do I live up to the decades of stories (canon and fan?) When I was in graduate school for psychology and doing a lot of behavior analysis, I noticed that a lot of the way I spoke when doing this reminded me of Spock. So I mulled over this fic for YEARS (5? 6?) and tonight decided to go for it and put it down on paper. 
> 
> Also silly Spock -- guys always think they're so good at hiding things from women. And women ALWAYS pick up on them!


End file.
